Less Depresso, more Espresso

Quinn E - 7th grade

In this list, I will be talking about coffee and all its perks. In addition, I will also say why it's better than you. Please take no offense to this, I don't even know you. You could be better than coffee. 

Number 1, Coffee is tasty.

The one thing you have in common with coffee is that you smell, just not in a good way. Coffee is tasty, it comes in many different flavors and tastes and smells from all over the world. You do not have different flavors and tastes unless you are made of one of those hyper-realistic cakes.

Number 2, Coffee will get you going.

Caffeine gets you going. Coffee has caffeine in it unless you are a “unique individual” and like decaf. Without coffee, most people could not have pulled off that all-nighter for tomorrow’s assignment. You do not have go-go juice in you, so you will not pull an all-nighter and will fall asleep. Then you have to write a couple of sentences as your teacher grades homework, but it's not enough. You get a zero, and coffee becomes your teacher's favorite after you flunked the test, and you've been moved down to the second.

”Coffee is hot, you are not.”

Number 3, Coffee has like 22 ½ versions.

Coffee has a lot of options. You can have an Americano, Latte, Drip Coffee, Cappuccino, Mocha, Cortado, Espresso, and more that I'm too lazy to name. As I said, coffee has enough variety to suit your every need. You only have one flavor and that's how you normally are, sleep-deprived and in need of coffee. There are multiple toppings you can add to coffee. It is just a hat for you, which does not change that you are sleep-deprived and grumpy.

Number 4, Coffee is hot.

This one is self-explanatory, coffee is hot, you are not. This is because coffee is hot, and looks good with the design on top. You have none of those traits, that is why you drink coffee so that you can try and get its amazing abilities. However, I’m here to tell you that that is the most stupid lie ever. Coffee doesn't just give away its looks and hotness. That is just not how it works.

Number 5, People like coffee.

People like coffee. Some people absolutely love coffee and would never drink anything else in their life. But you, I bet that a couple of people don't like you. Because you aren’t as perfect, likable, or tasty as coffee. You're probably a close second, but still not as good as coffee.